FUCK YOU. LOVE ME.

Sincerely Not-Yours:

-Selfish


Lately it seems that I cannot get enough attention. I feel left alone when surrounded most by those that I love. As I sit now half-naked shivering on my bed, I can't help but think why am I writing - no one gives a shit.

But Benjamine! We do care, we're your friends...you've friends my brain tells me. I my liars, and my brain is a liar...I believe that I should scoop it out with the help of a zombie mortician later this evening.

BUT BUT BENJAMINE!-

Enough of you Light-Side Ben, Dark-Side Benjaminvonevildoctorpiratescientistfran kunsteinmonstar has taken over now...and there is nothing that you can do about it.

Comical as it may seem, I've come to the realization lately that shit really isn't what it used to be. A song came on the radio - a very cliche, but powerful song at the time - and I really wish it hadn't. I started to tear up as I was getting off of the exit towards my abode and I damn near crashed. Proceeding shortly there after I drove the rest of the short drive home wiping snot and tears out of my eyes as reality set in:

Friends have moved away, I've lost friends recently, I've been extremely positive then dangerously depressed, I've been ridiculously tired and even though I am trying the hardest I've ever tried in school... I can't seem to stay on a path that allows me to be comfortable. Essentially the overwhelming feeling of "YOU'RE FUCKED" has placated itself upon my mantle.

That is the situation as it stands...but it has progressed a little bit over the course of me starting to have this produced...No im not more / less clothed...BUT I've started to feel very morose...dead if you will inside - a sort of - I Don't really know what to care and not care about.

I've been blown off recently on more than one secular occasion by people and it irritates me to no end that I put forth this outstanding effort to go out of my way to please people and I can't get the fucking time of day if I was blind and had two broken legs.

Seriously - this is just a bitch rant in my head right now, if you find wisdom in this that separates me from the rest of the whining masses then I truly consider you a friend and if you've made it this far I implore you to comment.

That said - those that comment, I will like infinitely more at this said juncture than if you don't. I feel that I am thriving on attention...I crave it and I don't know why...I feel that my inner wants / needs have been so slandered and distraught for so long that I barely know what they are. I've gone about my days for a while now trying to help people with their daily woes; Some astronomically mundane and some catastrophically momentous. The fact of the matter is that when I seemingly need someone to just talk to - or listen - or just need one of my problems patched up, all I ever get in response - AND I QUOTE (MY MOST HATED PHRASE IN THE FUCKING WORLD):

"Well I don't know what to say, but I am here for you" (OR ANY VARIATION).

If you've ever said that to me, and you honestly meant it, fine. But if you've said that and went about your day like everything would be better - Go fuck yourself. Just because I go about my day and look chipper doesn't mean that I am completely right on the inside. It's not that I'm hiding anything from you, lying, hate you - or otherwise...I just don't open up at the slightest provocation to a blase interest, Sorry.

I really wish to speak to most of you that will read this, more - but those of you that will, won't respond, or don't...Even more.

In short: I feel that I've been stupendously ignored lately regardless of anything I've said, and I really...wish that I could hug all of you then fall asleep forever so I can die happy...

Reality: I won't be able to because half of you don't put forth the effort to even talk to me day to day when I give everything I have in your hour of need.

Reality's Reality: I'm a selfish, impatient, vindictive, self-destructive, depressed, lonely, morose asshole who just wants more attention right now than he deserves. If you don't speak with me for a while after this; Fuck you, fuck you very much - but I understand...I know what I've done, and I know what I deserve...




Honesty's Sake: I do not deserve a response or even a sliver of your time for those that get THIS far...but thank you, and love each and everyone of you deeply.


---Disclaimer---

Most of you are exempt for this, in severance of pointing fingers, I wrote this as a generality

(If you are affected by this, you know who you are, and are partly to blame for my suicidal mood)

-> ****(Ultimately, it's mostly me to blame)**** <-

----------------



Anywho...the rantings of a madman are over and thank you for your time. Comment please. I love you all.

=Fuck you, Love me instead=

Sincerely yours,

-Selfish